Gimme a 5

Yesterday my boss told me I had to complete a survey on myself for the company. This survey will supposedly help them know if I am ready for certain challenges. My ears heard, “this will let us know if you will ever get promoted, or if you truly are the physco we think you are”.

Fabulous. I just completed the survey. The first section asked me to rate myself from one to five on various personality characteristics. On a scale of 1 to 5, rate how dependable you are. Hmm, that’s a tuffy. Considering how much I go out, and how time is not the pinnacle of my life I had to rate myself a 3. I stroll in a couple of minutes late each day, and I often have morning “errands” that prohibit me from showing up at the ungodly hour of 7am each morning. However, I rarely leave for lunch and always stay late. Is there a 1 through 5 on “I don’t give a fuck what time I show up, cause I don’t leave on time either”? Nope.

The next section asks me to rate what I think other people think of me. It’s a bad idea to ask a narcissist what others think of them. Spirited? Hell ya – give me a 5 on that one! Fussy? Who me? I’m a 1 on that. Also, exactly who are these “other people”? My friends would have a completely different opinion of me than my coworkers. Rate her 1 to 5 on loyalty. I guarantee all my friends would give me a 5. Ask a coworker; they would give me a 1. So, I discuss job opportunities that come my way with people at work. Maybe they want the job, if I don’t. I guess that makes me a 5 on the considerate question.

Questions I think they could ask that would be far more interesting:

1)How likely are you to believe in 100-pound birds that can fly off small children? My answer: 5)

2)How likely are you to throw out a Beastie Boy lyric in a meeting: My answer: 5 (“God damn that DJ made my day!”)

3)How likely are you to be loyal enough to show up at your 7:30 am job after a night of drinking until 2am? My answer: 4

4)How likely are you to wear panties to your job? My answer: 1

5)How likely are you to blog, shop on line, or email your pals at work: My answer 4

6)How likely are you to yell out “Damn I’m good!” at your desk: My answer: 5

7)How likely are you to call out your fellow coworkers at work and tell them to “Fuck off” on your first day at the job: My answer: 5

8)How likely are you to throw organized chair races in the halls of your office? My answer: 5

9)How likely are you to piss off admin people by hoarding supplies in your office, and then denying it when they ask for them? My answer:5 (I also like to wrap up office supplies and give them to coworkers as "gifts" on their birthday)


10)How likely are you to get drunk with your boss, tell him to stop sleeping with the new girl, and then tell him you know he's gay when he hits on you? My answer: 5 (BTW I have begged that man to not to worry about being gay for years. He denies it, but based on his love for his designer iron, and the fact that he brings 2 bags for every one of mine on business trips, I've known the truth for years. I love him just the same. Oh and there was the trip to the Sonanop in Vail with his lover that tipped me off, too.)


See now, didn't you learn more about me from that? I should be a personality specialist.