Thing I learned this weekend in Mexico

1)Shaving cream is really important. One should never underestimate the power of frothy lather. If you do disregard this rule in a last minute effort to obtain a pristine bikini line, you will pay. Might I add that salt water and tiny granules of sand, compounds razor burn.

2)When one of your closest friends suggests you re-think doing something; listen to her. The night before the trip I was an absolute basket case. I met Miss K for a drink, and was unable to express one coherent thought to her. My sentences were strung together with bits of anxiety and fueled by fear. “I was thinking about not going, I guess I’m scared, the real thing about it is that, you’re right maybe I shouldn’t go”. When you lack the inability to construct a lie or reason with yourself, there is nothing wrong with fleeing the scene.

3)Spray on sunscreen sucks. My right breast resembles a perfectly red, ripe mango; while my left breast might be compared to a glistening white snowball. It’s as if half of my body went on vacation to a tropical destination, and the other side went skiing. I must admit it does outwardly reflect my inner conflicts quite well, along with my desire to resemble a live peppermint stick.

4)Waking up three hours before everyone else is essential. I would wake up and run down to the beach each morning. Throw my towel and bag under a palapa, and run into the ocean. It was cold, but beautiful. The fish would swim with me, until frightened by the on slot of energized morning children rushing into their domain. I would remain under the grass hut sipping coffee and watching the kids play for hours before anyone I knew joined me. It was the most relaxing part of my trip.

5)Recognize defeat with a smile. When you realize that Miss K is right and your husband is an alcoholic, laugh. When he proves this point by throwing up all over your legs and the floor beside him while remaining in his chair at the bar, ingrain this in your memory. Realize you are an enabler when you ask for a mop to clean it up for the wait staff. When he continues to drink beer and watches the poor guy clean up the floor, understand that the definitive line you were always looking for just ran right over you. Be grateful you’ve learned to draw lines and never go back. Laugh and dance with strange men. What else are you going to do? Get him another drink?

6)When you yell at someone that you don’t need Viagra, suddenly every Mexican on the street can speak English. Just make the crazy sign by your ear and point to hubby. Next, I suggest winking at them and smiling. After all, they love women – lucky you.

7)The only place in this world where you can order something called a “Miami Vice”, and not have the bartender wish you would die on the spot, is at a cabana in Mexico. Sure you know it’s wrong, but who cares.

8)Never drink more than 5 Miami Vices in one afternoon. Should this happen, go to your room immediately. Failing to do so will result in you believing the painted turtles on the bottom of the pool are real. You will find yourself trapped in the pool on your barstool for fear of being eaten alive by giant turtles living in chlorine and pea infested waters.