Ghosts

Last night I had dinner with the hubby to discuss final arrangements. Does final arrangements sound like funeral planning? Regardless it went something like this:

Hubby: “You can have that. That, too. I never liked that.”
Me: You don’t like that? Why did we buy that if you don’t like it?
Hubby: It just doesn’t look like me
Me: I just don’t see why we bought it, if you don’t like it.
Hubby: It looks like us. Not me.

Who knew a couple of cranberry couches looked like us together, but neither of us apart from one another? I had no idea. Looks like I have my old couch back. Oh I shouldn’t forget, I also get half of his debt as a consultation prize. Yea me! Taking apart everything you built together is an alien feeling to me. Sure I’ve been through the break-ups, but nothing at this level. At one point, I expected us to discuss who’s taking the imaginary children’s names we came up with together. “You can’t use Julia, that’s my mom’s name”.

The roommate’s girlfriend inspired the oddest part of last night. As I was folding my laundry, she went in and sat next to him on the couch. They proceeded to talk about situations at his work I knew nothing about. Who could know more about the hubby than me? Evidently she does. Then she starts telling me about how she hangs out with him and what they watch on TV. Bizarre. Is this the roommate’s girl, or his girl?

All of a sudden, I’m a visitor in my own home. I ask for a glass of wine, or a napkin. At the same time, I clean the countertops. I wonder who these people are. I’ve never met the girlfriend before, but evidently she knows where the baggies and toothpicks are. I’m glad I still pay the mortgage there.

With the hubby starting his master’s degree next month, I wonder how long all of this will take. Will I start to be invited to parties at my own house? Will I be asked for over for a house warming if the girlfriend officially moves in? Will people start to email me gossip about the hubby? Or will I just read about him in the newspapers when things happen with his job? More than any of this, I wonder when all of this will start to hurt my feelings. I feel so numb to all of this. I walk through my life like a ghost. The most intimate people in my life are walking through me. We cross through one another, with no trace of the other left on us.