Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Monday, March 22, 2004

Not much to say

Oddly enough, after my grandfather has passed I haven't had much to say. I did have three epiphanies last week. I guess it was a quiet and thought pondering week, one of shallow solitude and still thrashing.

And the epiphanies are:

#1) I like who I am, I just don't like where I am.

#2) The reason I have stayed with the hubby is due to my loss of family. Obviously that's not the only reason. He is the best person I know, and I respect and admire him more than any other person in this world. Yet when I interacted with my family this weekend at the funeral, it reminded me that I had built a stable and safe life with him. He and my sister are the two people in my life that are constants (besides some really good friends). They love and support me unconditionaly. Therefore after feeling rejected and a sense of loss by my family, I am unwilling to loose someone who offers me so much.

#3) I can't pretend anymore.
I can't pretend any more that we are married in the traditional sense of the world. Married people are intimate and share a relationship beyond that of friends. At the least that is what I consider a marriage.

So I went to his house, took off my ring, and told him how I felt. Now I am stuck on #2 of the epiphany. He's my family, he's the one the helps me and loves me. How can I do this? And the spiral takes over. Maybe I can make this work. Maybe I can change this. But how can I stay in a relationship that is unfair to the both of us.

Confusion. I should be happy for the 3 enlightenments I received. Yet, I can't help but to want to ask for another one. Please, please, let me know what to do.

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