Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Circles and circles

Over and over and over and over. I feel like I am trapped in a cycle with no way out. Do I love him – yes. Do I want to be with him – yes, but not like this. Do I want things to change between us – yes.

But can they? When do you walk away? When do you throw in the towel? A year, 5 years, a month? How long can my brain handle thinking about the same thing? Every day I wake up and think about what I should do. I spend my work hours obsessing over it and talking to my boss about it. I get off work and try and run, so I don’t think about. All the while it’s repeating in my thoughts like a Ferris wheel. Get done running, and go see friends. Have a beer, and talk about it. Go home, lie in bed and go over it again. Maybe the answer will come in my dreams. And then I spend my nights in a fairy tale where I can’t find the answer. The sound of my alarm demands my attention to the situation, and the harsh reality that the answer isn't here.

And I still don’t know. My back stiffens, my jaw tightens, and my eyes get weak. I walk around stores on the verge of tears. I sit in my little cube and try not to cry.

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