Get on up!

I picked up the newspaper yesterday and saw a picture of Lance Armstrong, Cheryl Crow, Will Ferrell, and Robin Williams riding in the Race for the Roses. The ride took place last weekend here in Austin. A couple thoughts went through my head, and I thought I would share them.

First of all, I didn’t realize that X-junkies were so great at riding bikes. Who knew? Is this some sort of tip they give you in Narcotics Anonymous? I also wonder if their little damaged hearts can take such a rigorous challenge. I would hate to think of one of them collapsing on the side of the road. My next thought was that I don’t really like Lance, and why do people hang out with him? Oh yea, money.

I ride the MS150 every year (it’s a 180 mile bike ride from Houston to Austin), and my friends aren’t half as funny or annoying as Robin or Will. So, I think I’ll send them a letter and ask them to ride with me next year. Here’s my draft:

Dear Robin and Will,

I recently notice the two of you were in town for the Ride for the Roses with Lance. I was wondering if you might consider riding the MS150 with me next year. Although we’ve never met, I can tell you that I am much more fun than Lance.

I use to hang out with Lance during my college days, and I know how he can be quite prissy and self absorbed. I realize that I haven’t socialized with him in years, but I hear he’s only gotten worse. I, on the other hand, am super fun and will have you in stitches over stories about line cooks and my trips to the acupuncturist.

If you come to Austin, I won’t take you to snobby places and demand a bad bottle of wine. I will take you both out for a true night in Austin. Maybe we could go for drinks at the Austin Hotel, dinner at Maudie’s, and then more drinking and dancing downtown. For you added pleasure, you will not have to hang out with Ms. Crow. No emaciated old women here, no sir. Only the finest Texas has to offer will be at your disposal.

I do ask that you tell me jokes for the entire 180-mile ride. I realize at times your humor is irritating and juvenile, but I will just ride faster. Will, you are more than welcome to ride naked if you prefer. At first I will die of laughter, and then when you start to frighten me, I’ll pedal faster than Mr. Fancy Pants in the Tour De France. I really hope you’re coked up hearts can take a challenge, if not we can pick up what ever drugs you need before we start in Houston.

Unfortunately, I am unable to buy my friends and lovers like Lance. However, I will offer you my clever whit and funny songs (God Bless My Honda) as a tribute to your presence. I will introduce you to my friends and some of them will smoke cigarettes during the ride. (Just try to stay in front of them if you don’t like the smoke) Some of the people on my team are bike couriers; so don’t be scared of their odd appearances. You can laugh at them if you want, but they’ll just laugh back at your little penises hiding in your tight bike shorts.

Instead of staying at some fancy resort we will camp out at the Fair Grounds in La Grange. The only thing notable about this town is that ZZ Top members use to come here and stay at the whorehouse. Sorry boys, they shut it down years ago. You will have your choice of Bud Light or Coors Light from the cooler by our tents (we’re usually out of Chateau Nuf De Pap), and will wake up to the blaring sound of “Sweet Home Alabama”. I know it sounds dreadful, but you have no idea how motivating truly horrific music can be at 5:45 in the morning. You can also bet that my friends will be drunk and passing out on ant beds by 8:00 pm and losing their socks in the port-o-potties.

In comparison to Mr. Fancy Pants Womanizer, I’m sure you can see how much more fun I would be on a long distance ride. Please start training now, as the ride is in April. And if you’re in Austin and don’t feel like being bored to death by an egomaniac, please feel free to give me a call.


Your Pal,

Amanda