Halflings, gnomes and other things that bump in the night

This little story takes place at an old Irish bar in the warehouse district of town. Sure it’s a chain and it’s a fake replica of an Irish bar, but for some reason the people who live in this sleepy little town like to go there. Maybe they like it because some of the workers are Irish, and when they order their Guinness they get a proper “Cheers to ya” salutation.

One day after a hard day of laboring yours truly went down to the pub to have herself a pint. She was in the company of a gnome, and it was a beautiful afternoon. If memory serves me right, I believe they skipped hand in hand on the way there. Once there Amanda and the gnome bellied up to the outside bar and began conversing with the smiling group that formed for happy hour. A couple of pints later Amanda felt the need to find the ladies room. She stumbled inside and found one of her coworkers, the giant, sitting at the bar with her friends. Delighted to see her friends, Amanda yelled out her greetings and joined them. The giant invited Amanda to sit down and have herself a freedom shot. A halfling, seated at the edge of the bar, chirped in “I want to buy Amanda a freedom shot too!” Since it isn’t unusual for strangers, all be they unknown halflings, to want to have shots with Amanda, the little person was invited to have a seat with the other ladies at the bar. One, two, three, “TO FREEDOM!” yelled the giant, the halfling, and the two other normal sized girls.

A couple of minutes later the gnome went to see where his little friend Amanda was hiding. He walked inside to see her seated with the giant and the halfling. A look of panic struck his face as Amanda called him over. “Not right now, thanks!” yelled the gnome as he ran back outside. Thinking this was of very odd of her lover the gnome, a quizzical look came across Amanda’s face. She looked at her friends with confusion, but continued imbibing herself with assorted sundries. The halfling looked at Amanda and asked if she was involved with the gnome. Amanda thought about this for a second wondering what the halfling might say if she didn’t know about her relationship with the gnome. She decided to lie and tell the little woman they were just friends. Amanda was about to learn the importance of telling the truth and knowing your audience.

The halfling quickly turned her head glancing for eavesdroppers up and down the bar. Once she was convinced no one was paying attention, she decided to tell a secret to her new pals. Her story went like this:

A few years ago the gnome use to work at this very bar. I am a regular here and often saw him eyeing me. One night he asked me back to his place. I knew he was moving in the next couple of weeks, but I always thought he was rather attractive for a gnome. I was filled with curiosity and eagerly went to his house. All I can tell you is that the gnome’s penis is exactly XXX inches long, with a slight curve to the left. He’s extremely rough in bed. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what he was doing. To the contrary he was a very skilled and passionate lover. The next morning I awoke to bruises all over my body. I called him the next day, and he would not return my calls. He left town without ever saying a word to me. He moved back a year ago, and when he sees me now he avoids me and will not speak to me.

Amanda was shocked at the depiction of her lover as seen through the halfling’s eyes. She realized immediately that she knew things about her gnome that she was not intended to learn. Even more shocking was that the halfling’s description of her lover was exactly and painstakingly correct. The little woman had not forgotten one single detail of her gnome’s body, the way that he made love, or his intensity.

The giant, seeing how large Amanda’s eyes had become, asked Amanda if she had ever been with her friend. Amanda looked down and said, “A real woman can come away from that gnome without any bruises. And if she’s really good to him, he’ll love her for a lot longer than one night”. With that, Amanda let out a huge laugh and went to have a seat outside next to her gnome.

A year later Amanda was back at that very same bar. On her way to the lady’s room Amanda spied the little halfling sitting in her usual stool. The wee lass was sipping her beer and swinging her dangling feet. Amanda smiled to herself and noted the halfling sitting at the bar to her friend. Her friend replied, “Oh THAT halfling. Yes, Amanda she lives in the barrel that creates the stand for the table to the right.”

It’s true my friends, there is a halfling that resides at an Irish bar in the warehouse district and sleeps in the barrel in the outside patio. Every afternoon she crawls out of her little dwelling and hops up on the stool to order a pint and wait for the day the gnome will come back and love her for longer than just one night.