Christmas Spider Web


It’s not often that I write about my oldest sister, The Dog Lady. TDL is ten years older than I am, and lives very close to my Mom. Well, except for the fact that she collects dogs and I don’t. And by collect I mean, she currently has 5 or 6 dogs ranging from a Great Dane to a beagle lab mix that are destroying what shred of a house she has left at this exact moment.

TDL is also a control freak. She dominated all of her younger siblings with a harsh tone and mean stare. She can be a loving woman, but there will always be a piece of her that I just can’t figure out. When TDL was younger she found it important to be a part of the Houston socialite scene and so, she rubbed elbows with some of the cities wealthiest trust funders. A few remnants of this time in her life still exist, but for the most part she’s grown out this irritating need.

This Christmas she asked that I have Christmas dinner with her at a friend’s house in the country. She informed me that my mother would also be there, and that it would be very laid back. I was highly skeptical, but seeing as though I really didn’t have anything else to do, I accepted the invitation.

I arrived at the ranch around noon on Monday. I was confused as to which one of the houses on the property might be the living quarters, until I saw TDL sticking her head out of one of the doors and waiving me in. I pulled into the drive way and jumped out handing her my re-gifted cookies as a hostess gift. (Yes, I really am that tacky)

She looked beautiful and eagerly walked me into the house. Once I walked into the forier I realized how incredible aloof I am at times. By the looks of this place, I was standing in a house that was well over a 2 million dollar home. And those other houses I saw were really stables. Guess it makes sense they live in this one.

The introductions started and I couldn’t figure out how anyone was connected to one another, except for the moms. This is RT, Surky, L’s Mom, M’s Mom and the kids. Great. The introductions are done. I can relax and eat. But something kept bothering me. It was M’s mom. I had never met her before, although my mother kept insisting I met her as a child. Her skin is so pretty. She seems to speak Spanish, but she’s very pale. I wonder if she’s actually Spanish?

Huh, RT is L’s Mom’s carpenter. Interesting. And then there was Surky. Surky was wearing cheap grey pants that didn’t cover his socks, with a black and white stripped shirt that barely covered his bulging girth, and suspenders. His ensemble was adorned with matching thick gold chains around his neck and wrist. Surkey reminded me of someone out of the Goodfellas cast due to his choice in jewelry and his slicked back grey hair.

Dinnertime came and we all sat down. M’s Mom was sitting in between RT and Surky and I noticed everyone using the term “honey” when referring to her. That’s odd. Is that some sort of nickname? Then Surky’s abnormal breathing distracted me as he began stuffing huge amounts of ambrosia and potatoes in his mouth. Plate after plate, the enormous man continued on his path of gluttony until he finally rested before dessert.

During his little break the fat man started talking and I’m sure he must have though I was a mental patient the way I looked up at him. Here he was this fat fat enormous man who looks like a low-level mafia man describing his work as a florist. And yes, he was gay. And of course his clientele is only the super rich. Yet I can’t stop wondering how this happened to a gay man? I mean, he’s disheveled looking at best. And for a while there I thought he was M’s Mom’s date. Man, I’m dumb.

RT was asked to bless the food before the night began. He started in on a prayer that would make the Pope weep. The words flowed through him in a dignified and humble manor. He was above all a respectable and gracious man. I liked RT. He was the only man in the house that didn’t appear too shifty.

The only other man there besides Surky and RT was M. M had been sent to prison during the 80’s and his girlfriend at the time waited for him to get out so they could get married, have kids and buy this huge house. It wasn’t any deplorable crime, just drugs and a little embezzling. You know. The basic?

So after dinner I wondered about the whole scene. My sister and my mom are here sitting in an X-con’s house having Christmas with a frumpy gay man, a carpenter and a woman who seems to have eyebrows stapled to the top of her scalp.

When we got home I asked TDL about the players and how they were connected. Turns out that “eyebrows” or M’s mom, became an advocate for people in jail when her son was thrown in the pokey. During this time she spent her days working with the men in jail, and that’s where she met RT. When he got out, they got married despite the fact that he was a convicted and confessed murderer.

Huh. If you had told me that I was going to spend my Christmas dinner with an X-con, a murdered, a mafia florist and my sister I wouldn’t have believed you. Can’t wait to see what New Years is like.