One Step Forward

I’ve been looking to buy a house for the past month or so. It’s been the journey of walking into places and feeling under whelmed. Wow. Blank stare. I get to go into super debt for this? Not so yea.

Finally last night I found a house I could actually see myself in. Sure the person who is currently living there appears to be in love with faux finishes, but a little paint and all her hard work will go away. I’ve put the contract in and I’m just waiting for their answer. I should know by tonight.

Starting over is weird. It’s like graduating and wondering, “this isn’t really what I thought it would be like” because you’re still working for next to nothing. That’s if you can find a job. Since I pictured myself with kids and the X for such a long time, it seems weird to be buying a house by myself.

It feels like I am surrendering to being alone. I had the same twinge of pain yesterday when I was walking into work. I use to think that I would take my kids to the church next door for day care while I was working. Yesterday it hit me that I may not have kids. Ever. I don’t think that’s really a bad thing for me or that I would be incomplete without kids, it’s just different. It’s just not what I planned.

Last week when I got the news about my job, all I wanted to do was to go out and celebrate with a fancy meal. It’s what we did in my family growing up. I didn’t have anyone to go with and I realized that’s just part of being single. It’s not that my friends didn’t want to go, but they have lives and they couldn’t just drop their plans on such short notice.

It’s all these little things that keep coming up that remind me that I'm in a different place than I once thought I would be. I think my life is forcing me to move on. It’s a good thing for me. I need to. It’s time. So cross your fingers and we’ll see if this deal goes through. One step forward.