I’m going to do that again

I was lying in bed recovering from a long weekend and making a list of things that I should never do again. These lists are a constant result of doing something incredibly senseless and erratic the weekend before.

My list started off a lot like one composed by a third grader would. I will never again drink 4 grape sodas and stuff my face full of pop rocks. Except the grape soda was really vodka and the pop rocks stood for pizza. Then I started to criticize myself for being so emotional at times. You know, like the time in 2nd grade when I locked the chubby girl in the coat closet for wearing the same dress that I had on. Even now I’m still wondering why we had a coat closet in Texas. I blame the poor architecture for my emotional shortcomings. If it wasn’t for the contractor poor design, I never would have pushed her into that closet.

After I got down to the 50th “I’ll never”, I decided this game was too negative and thought maybe I should focus on the positive. Maybe that will help me be a better person. So I’ve been trying all week to fit in “I’ll do more of”’s instead of those dreaded “I won’t”s.

Simple things like, “I will sleep more and go to bed earlier” and “I will extend my running from 45 minutes to an hour at least once a week” were working into my repertoire. I was beginning to feel like a more peaceful and gentle snowflake until I heard a local radio announcement.

The stupid Cheryl Crow will be hosting a free show this weekend in the park as a “thank you” to how nice we’ve been to her meat puppet Lance Armstrong. (If you’ve forgotten – I hate him).How egotistical is that? “I want to thank the city of Austin for being so nice to my fiancé, Lance” Oh puke some more you scrawny wretch!

Agreed we should be thanked for allowing that asshat to live in our community for all these years, but did she have to endure him during his early days when he was a whining baby? Did she have to sit around and listen to him being an ass to people who asked for an autograph in his pre Tour de France days? You should thank us, you no good harlot.

I might add that if you really wanted to thank us don’t drown us out with your tone-deaf whimpers, but instead move your boy out to LA. Could you? Since he’s all about name-dropping and such an over the top groupie of every bad band out there, he’d actually have friends in LA. I think people he could relate to would be great for his oversized ego.

You might be thinking that all this ranting isn’t very peaceful or positive for me. It’s just a purging so I can get back to being healthy on the inside again. I’d hate to pop, you know. Extremes in either direction are bad.

Extremes like say, how the NRA is campaigning to allow guns in the work place. Things that ridiculous could make me go back to ponytail pulling very easily. *Breathe, breathe* I will be happy at the face of such stupidity! I will, I will!