Why I hate Helen Keller and you should to


You know the scene. That damn scene at the water spicket. You know the one. Helen’s teacher is screaming “WATER!!!” at her and Helen is splashing all around and is finally able to grasp saying the word water. I bet it gets to you. You know it does. You know that teacher wanted to drowned her for being such a terror, but you know we’re all suppose to forgive her because until then she just couldn’t communicate.

I just want to tell that teacher that she should have left well enough alone. The damn brat should never have found a voice, because now I have to listen to her perky little sayings all the time. Funny that none of her lines start with, “I use to be a real bitch until that lady jammed a bunch of water in my grill”.

I think my final straw with Helen came last week when someone handed me one of her quotes. “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Ya Helen, why don’t you tell me about staring at doors? Oh, that’s right. You can’t. And who made you Yoda?

You can’t see or hear and all of a sudden you turn out to be the damn poster girl for all the blind and mute people of the world. Pretty arrogant aren’t you? Miss High and Mighty have you ever thought that your quotes are just a bit much? How about this one, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it”. Obviously one can’t overcome awkward sentence structure, can they Miss I’m So Great?

What about all the other people in the same deaf and blind boat? Do you really think they want to hear you spuing how insightful you are? “Look at me, look at me!! I’m Helen and I’m mute, but I’m so much smarter than everyone else”. Puke.

I also have to disagree with this saying you came up with: “Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose”. Obviously Miss Keller didn’t get to know her own self very well, now did she? Self-gratification is one of the healthiest and best ways to spend a Sunday morning. Fidelity to a worthy purpose? Isn’t that the underlying point of self-gratification? I thought with your ego, Helen, you’d think of your self in higher regards.

And before someone reads this and sends me some crap about how mean I am let me just say, “Yes, thank you”. I know I am. And no I don’t hate all deaf people, nor do I think they are dumb. Just stupid little Helen. Why oh why didn’t that lady push her down the water well? Now I’m stuck with these dumb little sayings. So to you Helen, I dare say, “Now that you have a voice, please shut the fuck up.”