As the world crumbles


Why do people keep putting fatty foods in the break room? What is it about corporate culture that mandates only fattening deserts are be placed in front of American workers? Maybe it’s the French. I could see them creating this conspiracy so they remain the thin people of the world. You fancy French, with your “I walk everywhere” because our culture is so much better than yours, you make me feel pukey. But not in the anorexic way, I’ll have you know!

At my nephew’s school the parents are required to bring snacks for the whole class a couple of times a month. You never see a conscientious mom bringing in sugar loaded pastries or pixie sticks for the youngins. In fact it’s mainly apples or carrots or something in that healthy realm.

I wonder about working parents. Do they ever sneak into the break room at their office, choke down 10 cookies and a piece of birthday cake and then hide it from their kids? I imagine the exchange to go something like this:

“So little Sarah, how was your day”
“Great! We had apples and peanut butter for our snack today! What did you have?”
Lying parent ponders which snack to choose and squeaks out, “Yea, we had the same”

Meanwhile the deceitful parent spent the last 2 hours of work twirling in their chair and playing limbo with their telephone cord, and the “how low can you go” song is still repeating in their head.

We should treat ourselves as well as we treat our children. And by “well” I am not referring to people who have the nerve to adopt children and then locked them up in cages. Thanks for helping folks! Please let them end up in a cage of their own, where the children can visit them and poke sticks at them through the bars. That would be the best therapy imaginable.

I’m also thinking that if we do treat ourselves the way we treat our kids, that not only would we be healthier but we’d have more of an excuse to wear those dumb pointy birthday hats around the office. I’d pay a lot to see some people around here in those hats. And we could bring back the hand puppets! I would much rather talk over my cube to the next person using a hand puppet. Drawing eyes on my hand has gotten old, and I’m pretty sure I’ve sucked every element of surprise out of my neighbor. By this point I can hear her rolling her eyes when I stick my hand over the wall and fake a dumb voice.

**As a side note, I just went to google images to find a good hand puppet to reference. I ended up getting a bunch of pictures of women. You people disgust me! Right there next to Lambchop is a picture of a hooker! Really now, is that necessary?