Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Monday, April 05, 2004

Here I am. Yep, it’s me. Just working at my little accounting job. Who ever thought this is where I would end up. In all aspects of my life, I’m not just talking about my career. I was voted most likely to be a DJ at a punk club in high school. That seems much more likely to me than what I do now.

I think I might be torn in every aspect of my life. I love my life on my own, no commitments to anyone. If I am with people, it’s because I truly want to be around them. In my married life, I felt obligated to be around people whom I wouldn’t normally associate. I guess that’s what marriage does. You change and bend for someone else. It’s not just about you alone anymore.

At the same time, I still feel a sense of obligation to my other life. Memories keep me awake some nights. Thoughts about the way things use to be. How everything was perfect until I opened my mouth and spoke the truth. Denial is a fine world, my friend. Don’t let the power escape you. Verbalizing that I wasn’t happy was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it’s still not over. I’m still dealing with it.

Maybe one day, I’ll just have one life again where everything meshes and I’m happy and bored. Then again, it’s me here – it’ll never happen.


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