Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Friday, October 27, 2006

Not the golden glove I wish to be

It has come my attention that I am not equipped to deal with personal confrontation. I’m great at the “I’m gonna go windmill on your ass if you don’t get out of my face” when dealing with irate illogical strangers. More to the point, irate illogical strangers with tiny dogs. The problem comes into play when it’s someone that I care about.

I’ve heard the rules to fair fighting speech a million times. I know what I should do and shouldn’t do in order to have a productive conversation that leads to some form of compromise. For some reason I just can’t seem to keep them in my mind when conflict arises with a loved one.

I’m great at seeing the other side. I understand that I need to be more patient, but what do you do when express your feelings and you feel like the other person does nothing but belittle those feelings? I’m at a loss. It seems like I’ve felt this way hundreds of times before when arguing with important people in my life.

I just want them to say, “I can see how you’d feel like that. I don’t want you to feel like that and I’ll try and watch out for that.” When I don’t get that response out of the person, I feel like it turns into a huge order and a fight ensues. I know I’m not blameless in these situations, because they keep happening to me. Obviously, it’s something that I’m doing.

What could it be? Is it that I don’t have a clear goal in mind? Am I expecting too much? Are my expectations getting in the way of reality?

How do you “fight”? Got any tips for success in this area? I could use them. I need to change this part of how I deal with people.

by body item ;

5 Comments:

Anonymous 0 said...

As I recall from experience, you sometimes want the other person to say things, but don't really want to hear what they have to say because your temper is already lost (mighty epic temper). I always thought that waiting to have the fight until it was not that big of a deal to you would have been a good idea. Of course, this came to me about a year after we had called it quits and I never got to test the theory by avoiding you until the storm had passed, as it were, but that was the best thing I ever came up with. Granted, I don't recall you ever being very sorry (I can neither confirm nor deny any observations pertaining to a right of wrong person in any various siutation that may or may not have occured. And therefore deny on information and belief) about the fights either so perhaps your present remorse is a sign of moving in the right direction...chin up.

1:11 PM

 
Blogger DrinkJack said...

Fighting is not supposed to be productive. Fighting is all about individual release. Once you have the release, then the trick is to communicate afterwards and dissect the issues at hand. Of course that assumes that both people can listen and try to see the other person's side. It typically boils down to accepting that the other person has differing opinions and RESPECTING those as valid points. Neither right nor wrong.

1:15 PM

 
Blogger Jennirhiow said...

sometimes fighting will lead to more conflict, which is why i tend to keep quiet abt things that are unpleasantly. what i do is i will tryto avoid getting into confrontation with ppl... if i can help it.... like my mom used to say, 'if u can't say anything nice, dun say anything.' having said that, she is also the reasonwhy i dun really 'fight' for myself... cos she's always picking fights with me,and the way i deal with it is i keep quiet and let her think that i think she's always right and i'm always wrong. with my best fren, it's sometimes bringing up what i dun like abt her or what she did later when the storm is gone, when there is a way i can gently tell her how to correct her attitude or how it hurt me... i guess it depends on who u are dealing with. do u find that it so? that it depend on who the person is and u will react differently?

5:48 AM

 
Blogger Nan said...

I'm a bad fighter so Ican't help you out here. Let me know if you get some good advice. I could use it too.

10:17 AM

 
Blogger Dirty Dan Sin said...

I don't really choose to fight after the marriage that I was in. Some folks live for drama and conflict and I learned that years of studying and applying 'I-messages' and 'collaborative-interest-based communication' weren't going to work in the face of a dyed-in-the-wool bitch.

I feel thaat disagreement is wonderful and shouldn't surprise anyone. 'Fighting' seems to be about trying to feel heard by someone deaf or hopelessly trying to persuade others that your thought is somehow 'better.' These are both not long-term solutions, I think.

Life's too short.

3:19 PM

 

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