Fit to be tied

Someone should inform Austin, Texas that I’m fit to be tied, and I’ll be unleashing a ton of wetness on every person I see tonight. I’m in that mood, and I’m a little scared.

After eating meticulously since my return from San Diego, my jeans were a little loose this morning. Maybe it was teenage mutant teeny wana be ninjas walking around OB, but for whatever reason I got home and felt a little chubby. Knowing it was mostly likely the amount of alcohol I chugged while away, I forced myself into hours of cardio and chicken salads. Wha – la! Tummy is gone and ghetto bootie is back in check.

To reward myself I went and bought a new outfit at lunch. It’s trashy. I knew it was trashy when I tried it on, but the skirt was a size 2 so I knew it was destined to be mine. The logical side of my brain knows my ass hasn’t been a size 2 since I was wearing garanimals, but the ditzy female side of the grey matter pushed that thought away.

I stood in the mirror looking at my whorish ensemble. In my reflection the tiny blue jean skirt, disgustingly boobalisious camisole shirt, and high heels winked at me. I’m feisty today, more than feisty – I’m on fire. My flames are made up of an intoxicating combination of being angry with others, irritated with myself for being upset, and ready to punish all the men in town.

So while I looked into the glass, I realized I’m out for revenge. Tonight is the payback for the boy who asked me out while his girlfriend was in the other room, for the boy who asked me to come back to his place while my guy was passed out, for the ones who haven’t realized how great I am, and for the guy who’s so hot he knows it and tries to play me. I know what you boys are all about, and tonight you’re mine. I will not be paying for one drink, I will not give anyone a ride home, and I will not make out with anyone. When you call tomorrow, I won’t answer. I’ll just let you wonder when you’ll see me again, and why you bought me 5 gin and tonics with no payout.

I’m a lot today. I’m sure the alter ego will be out tonight in full force, but not to worry. After eating so well this week, I also rewarded myself with some Chinese food equipped with a fortune cookie. The fortune?

“Your dream will come true”

Insert annoying noise type comment here – something like BOOO YAAA!