Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Through everything bad...

I always knew that something was lacking in my marriage. Busy with the constant daily chores and parties at our house, I never stopped to really think about it. Everything was planned a month in advance, and there was never time for introspection.

I thought I was happy. We got a long famously, he made me laugh, and made sure fresh flowers were always in the house for me. We started planning kids in the next year, and I started a new job. We rode bikes and talked about how happy we were together. My birthday came and we threw a beautiful party and fell asleep like two old friends. No kissing, no romance, but I loved that he was there.

I met a friend out a couple of weeks later for a drink. I placed a strict curfew on myself, and met up with her downtown. When it was time to go, I walked her to the bar where her husband was drinking with friends. I walked in and greeting her hubby. They quickly walked out for a smoke and left me with one of his friends I hadn’t met before. He was tall and cocky, wearing a hideous Hawaiian shirt, and smuggling drinking a cocktail.

What’s up?” he asked rudely.
“Nothing, who are you again” “Boy S (although he should have said Satan), and you?”
Amanda. You know, that has to be the ugliest shirt I have ever seen” and I laughed.

It was the ugliest shirt I had ever seen, why lie? For some reason people don’t usually know how to take my rudeness and continue talking to me anyway. We left the bar and headed to another one across the street with our friends. I called my husband, “I’ll be home later than I thought. I love you”. Satan looked at me and asked if that was my husband. He then proceeded to laugh at me for checking in.

He was overwhelming in size, in volume, and his mere presence suffocated the room. At the end of the night he walked with me out to our cars. I thought he was attractive, but nothing devious came to mind. I was ready to be at home with the hubby.

He leaned over and kissed me, pushing me into the side of my car. I was shocked. I pulled away and looked up at him in amazement. “Come here” he said grabbing my hair and placing his leg in between mine so he could slightly raise me to his level. We finally stopped and I got into my car after refusing to give him my number.

I drove home in silence realizing everything was about to change. I couldn’t pretend anymore with the hubby. I hadn’t kissed him in over 4 years, and I forgot what passion was. I forgot what it was like to actually want someone without it feeling like a job or a responsibility. Sex was a duty that shamed me. I forced the act because I didn’t want my husband to feel less attractive.

I wonder what would have happened if Satan hadn’t kissed me. Would I have kids now? Would I have gone on pretending that it’s normal for married people to only have sex once a year? Would I have spent my life wondering what was wrong with me?

I also think about Satan and if knew he was changing my life by one simple action. He threw a rock in a pond creating a million ripples that he never knew about. My life forever changed. The hubby’s life forever changed. It wasn’t because of Satan. It was because he woke me up.

At the time I thought I had committed the ultimate crime by kissing that man. Today I realize it was just a small act in this huge production. The hubby and I are happier now than before. We miss one another terribly, but our souls are more at rest. Women hit on him and remind him how attractive he is; something I could never do. In return, I don’t have to pretend that I’m content without a sex life. We have a second chance at our happiness. It’s a beautiful opportunity.

by body item ;


Blogger Grateful said...

Praise God for this post. You know, I haven't been with my husband in 2 years. I love him deeply - as a caretaker and a soul-mate. Romantically - he is second to none. I, however, am not passionately attracted anymore. I started going to the group Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - as humiliating as it is to admit - but I'm learning things I never imagined possible. Intrigue and romance are things that I crave. Those things aren't usually found in marriages that have lasted long... anyway... that's just my two cents. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing your post.

11:24 AM

Blogger Karl said...

I never considered life after marriage; I always assumed that what I’ve always wanted. Maybe I have some reexamining to do.

11:39 AM

Blogger Wayne said...

Exactly. Crazy Rabid Monkey Sex. Gotta have it.

1:25 PM

Blogger mona said...

i just think your the berries.

2:55 PM

Blogger mona said...

i've lived that polite, friendly lie.

it is better the other way.

2:56 PM

Blogger Jennirhiow said...

that's a very brave post. brave and open.

4:32 PM

Blogger riye said...

hi there. what a beautiful post... it has me thinking about the turns i've taken in life and the impacts they've made. thanks for sharing.

10:26 PM


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