If you read this, you might get dizzy

Today I feel as if I should do a public service to you. After all my rants have been too long lately. Let’s laugh. Shall we? Imagine this duty performed by yours truly, wearing my best public servant mustache. (like the man on to our right,Thunder knows what I’m talking about)

Recently I have been drug into every possible meeting in my company. My philosophy on meetings is their real purpose to prove someone’s articulation skills are supreme to other coworkers. For this reason my mind usually drifts off, and I fill my head with random thoughts. I want to share some of these thoughts with you, in order to help you through your next linguistic debate with the most boring of all people. Plus, you’ll smile and they will think that you find them interesting and bright.

First thought: Remember that man I dated that actually spit on my ass as we had doggie style sex? What the fuck was that about? Was that some kind of degradation act or just some reflux problem? I wonder what he thought when I turned around and asked him exactly what he thought he was doing?

Next up: Better yet, remember other guy I dated whose psycho x-girlfriend showed up one morning and wouldn’t leave? I wonder if she’s now dating one of the cops who took her away? I wonder if she liked the shirt I had on and I’m glad the cops didn’t tell her my name.

Maybe I pick the wrong people to date. I hate dates! What are they exactly? Who wants anything dried up and shriveling? Isn’t that usually reserved to describe a 180-year-old man’s penis? You wouldn’t put a 180-year-old man’s penis in your mouth, so why would you put a date in your mouth?

Hmm, I wonder how many pork products are too many pork products in one day? If you have bacon for breakfast, and then a ham sandwich for lunch and a pulled pork sandwich for dinner have you devoured an entire pig?

What’s up with Jewish people? I really need to learn more about them. They are like a mystery to me. How can they justify not eating pork? God loves pork, I’m sure of it.

I wonder what God would say about all the profanity I use in my everyday life? Surely He has bigger problems, like men spitting on women in sexual acts. Wonder if He’s mad that I find his son totally hot?

I really think that you could die from eating too much rice. My grandfather almost died like that one time.

I hate birds, especially the thunderbird. If a Thunderbird car hits me, I hope my family sees fit not to give me a funeral. I don’t want all my friends laughing at me and saying how ironic that is.

I’m thinking braces would have been a good idea for Bob from IT. I feel like he’s related to the barracuda family . Remember that song, Barracuda by Heart. I heart Heart Damn, I’m retarded.

Good thing I don’t have ADD.

Crap, everyone is looking at me. “I agree, we really need to expound on that idea so I have a better understanding of what you need out of this project”

Wow – I need to focus.
What do you think about?