It’s hard to be hussy out of ideas

I wasn’t planning on writing this week. I’m hard at work studying for the last part of my CPA exam and feeling all smart and all. Well, I’m hoping I’m smart enough. I’m ready for this chapter of my life to pass me buy.

It’s beautiful in Austin. I wish you were here. All of you. I wish my backyard was in its old condition, and we were all here telling these stories face to face while we drank and watched the fire flies drift up at sunset.

Right now I’m finding it hard to excuse where I am. I refuse to apologize for where I am, but yet some people keep asking for an excuse. I don’t have one. I don’t need one. I deserve this time to myself. I deserve to get my shit in order and not explain to you why it is that I’m a basket case at times and a rock star at others. It’s who I am. I owe you nothing. So take your nothing, if that’s what you want. Wrap it up like a baby in a soft flannel blanket and sing it a sad song. If that’s what you need to do.

Me? I’ll still be me. I’m starting to look at the world in a different light. I’m changing and it’s a good feeling. I can see today that my actions impact the world around me. It’s more than just bringing in people who deserve to be in my life, more than just bringing in light. It’s realizing that everything I do has an impact on people I don’t know.

In a more specific sense, I realized at times I must sound like a complete floozy. Who’s to say if I am, or if I’m just more telling than some women? Last night the Playa MC and I were tossing back a couple of beers at the local spot, when I started telling him about how an encounter with another woman has changed me.

Sure I was drunky drunk. I think I had been drinking for more than 8 hours with old friends by the time she showed up. I didn’t know her, but her boyfriend and I are childhood friends. I didn’t know she would actually kiss me. I didn’t know that she would throw me down on the bed and make out with me like a banshee.

I always liked fantasizing about being with another woman. It seemed so soft and thrilling in my imagination. It seemed the experience would be so utterly sexual in the most feminine of ways that I dreamt up scenarios from time to time. I’ve always known that I’m not a lesbian, so I’ve never truly hit on another woman. From time to time, I’ve crossed paths with women that have made me questions that position, but I never tried it out.

So that night I was shocked. I was speechless to the point that the girl on top of me kept giving me a weird look as she kissed and caressed my body. This isn’t what I had in mind. I thought that it would be more intimate, more sensual, but it wasn’t. In fact, I didn’t find her particularly attractive. Its not that she wasn’t beautiful in her own way, it just wasn’t in that way that makes me wet. Maybe it was because she was a woman, or maybe it was because of her boyfriend who was watching us. I felt like I was in some cheap porn. At some point, I got up and excused myself. I’m not sure why I felt the need to apologize, but I did. Looking back on it there was nothing to apologize for. It wasn’t something that I particularly wanted to happen.

So she ruined the fantasy for me. Or maybe I ruined it for myself, who’s to say. Regardless now, that erotic little dream died. I’ve tried fantasizing about other women in my private time, and that damn red head keeps popping up and killing it for me. She squashed my fantasies with a realistic thud. Damn her. Now I have to find something else to entertain my thoughts while I indulge myself. Past experiences are fine, but I think I want something new to divert my attention.

What’s next? Midgets? Not really my thing. If you think of anything let me know. If not, I’ll be delving into some erotica after this damn exam in order to bring back my creativity.

And how this is reflective of my actions being reflective on the rest of the world, I’m really not sure.

Did I tell you that I’ve been studying like a mad woman?