Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

It’s hard to be hussy out of ideas

I wasn’t planning on writing this week. I’m hard at work studying for the last part of my CPA exam and feeling all smart and all. Well, I’m hoping I’m smart enough. I’m ready for this chapter of my life to pass me buy.

It’s beautiful in Austin. I wish you were here. All of you. I wish my backyard was in its old condition, and we were all here telling these stories face to face while we drank and watched the fire flies drift up at sunset.

Right now I’m finding it hard to excuse where I am. I refuse to apologize for where I am, but yet some people keep asking for an excuse. I don’t have one. I don’t need one. I deserve this time to myself. I deserve to get my shit in order and not explain to you why it is that I’m a basket case at times and a rock star at others. It’s who I am. I owe you nothing. So take your nothing, if that’s what you want. Wrap it up like a baby in a soft flannel blanket and sing it a sad song. If that’s what you need to do.

Me? I’ll still be me. I’m starting to look at the world in a different light. I’m changing and it’s a good feeling. I can see today that my actions impact the world around me. It’s more than just bringing in people who deserve to be in my life, more than just bringing in light. It’s realizing that everything I do has an impact on people I don’t know.

In a more specific sense, I realized at times I must sound like a complete floozy. Who’s to say if I am, or if I’m just more telling than some women? Last night the Playa MC and I were tossing back a couple of beers at the local spot, when I started telling him about how an encounter with another woman has changed me.

Sure I was drunky drunk. I think I had been drinking for more than 8 hours with old friends by the time she showed up. I didn’t know her, but her boyfriend and I are childhood friends. I didn’t know she would actually kiss me. I didn’t know that she would throw me down on the bed and make out with me like a banshee.

I always liked fantasizing about being with another woman. It seemed so soft and thrilling in my imagination. It seemed the experience would be so utterly sexual in the most feminine of ways that I dreamt up scenarios from time to time. I’ve always known that I’m not a lesbian, so I’ve never truly hit on another woman. From time to time, I’ve crossed paths with women that have made me questions that position, but I never tried it out.

So that night I was shocked. I was speechless to the point that the girl on top of me kept giving me a weird look as she kissed and caressed my body. This isn’t what I had in mind. I thought that it would be more intimate, more sensual, but it wasn’t. In fact, I didn’t find her particularly attractive. Its not that she wasn’t beautiful in her own way, it just wasn’t in that way that makes me wet. Maybe it was because she was a woman, or maybe it was because of her boyfriend who was watching us. I felt like I was in some cheap porn. At some point, I got up and excused myself. I’m not sure why I felt the need to apologize, but I did. Looking back on it there was nothing to apologize for. It wasn’t something that I particularly wanted to happen.

So she ruined the fantasy for me. Or maybe I ruined it for myself, who’s to say. Regardless now, that erotic little dream died. I’ve tried fantasizing about other women in my private time, and that damn red head keeps popping up and killing it for me. She squashed my fantasies with a realistic thud. Damn her. Now I have to find something else to entertain my thoughts while I indulge myself. Past experiences are fine, but I think I want something new to divert my attention.

What’s next? Midgets? Not really my thing. If you think of anything let me know. If not, I’ll be delving into some erotica after this damn exam in order to bring back my creativity.

And how this is reflective of my actions being reflective on the rest of the world, I’m really not sure.

Did I tell you that I’ve been studying like a mad woman?

by body item ;


Blogger DrinkJack said...

One of my philosophies in life is "I will try anything twice!" You just never can tell if you are going to like something with just one experience. Grab some good reading material and find your imagination again.

CPA, CPA, gooooo CPA!

7:30 PM

Blogger Hotpants said...

i know what you mean about the girl on girl thing. i thought it would mean so much more or be more heartfelt,since women understand each other on this level.

it was just...weird and awkward. girls feel different and smell different and kiss different.

10:21 PM

Blogger chunk said...

That was interesting. You always here of tales of female same sex sexual experimentation as these soft, vaseline lensed intimate encounters, with flower petals magically falling from the ceiling.

The fact that it seemed tawdry and cheap made it real and definitely altered my silly misconceptions.

Everything is so real sometimes.

Oh, if you are looking for a new drug. I can help.


7:31 AM

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

I just read the first two paragraphs. I wish I was there too. Do they have Yeungling in TX? I don't think so. Last I checked doesn't go past AL. But, I'm sure Austin is cool all the same. I was recently told that is the happening music scene these days. Mucho coolo para you-o.

9:18 AM

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

Part 2:

Good luck on the exam I'm so GLAD I'm not studying for it because blah I never never never want to and it's definitely not something I would fantasize about but if I were studying for it I'm sure I'd be fantasizing about a lot of stuff.

Too bad the lesbian thing didn't work out. That would have opened so many more doors for you. Hmmm... as a new fantasy. How about...Fat Bastards? They're FAT and they're SEXY. Oh yeah...

2:49 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes it happens like that. It is best to experiment when the fantasy is fresh.

2:56 PM

Blogger Lunatic said...

First of all, him being in the room automatically made it about him, but it's YOUR fantasy, and your fantasy is all about you and your needs/desires. And second, yes, women are soft and sensual and smell nice, but I think what most women fantasize about is the immediate intimacy and supposed emotional connection with someone beautiful that most women beleive can only happen with another woman.

I have had lesbian sex before and it was beautiful. (I'm male for those of you playing at home) I just mean that I have had sex where it wasn't about penetration. It was about closeness and exploration. It was about heavy breath, not heavy breathing. It wasn't foreplay, or dry-humping. It was kissing places I had never been and taking woman in with all five senses instead of the obligatory one.

You are no floozy, you just have a lot of love to give. And if you are keeping score, you have impacted my life. I come to this page and it's like pulling back the little curtain to your heart. Is it sunny today? Mostly smiley today with a good chance of gin showers late in the afternoon. So I'll take my nothing, thank you very much, on the rocks and with a twist.

3:03 PM

Blogger Anonymous said...

i just ate 4 cookies too many reading this post.

wanna come visit?

7:29 PM

Blogger mona said...

oh my god, i love this.

how about bringing in two guys to the fantasy? or three????

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