Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thanks, come again….

Ok I admit it. I’m fucking sad, and not sad like “gee I wish I had that one, not this one” kind of sad. I’m sad like my soul is ripping apart and all I can do is sit here like the pathetic little shit I can be at times and just watch it blow away. I’ll just sit here, smoking a cigarette and wishing that I could numb out or leave my body for a minute.

And fuck no, I don’t know why. I don’t know why giant mythical birds scare the hell out of me. I don’t know why single balloons flying in the sky make me sad either. Or why spear grass and buttercups make me giggle. Some things just are. And right now, I am just where I am.

Right now I want to write the author of that book, “Wherever you go there you are” and tell him to fucking leave the goddamn planet, because I need a vacation from myself. And I know I never get like this, but guess what? I have my days too. I can’t always entertain my friends with stupid stories and make them feel like we’re part of a rockstar posse. Sometimes I just need them to sip a slightly less than cold beer with me and stare out the window at the people shuffling by in their bad shoes. I don’t need them to say a thing. Just be there. Maybe hold my hand.

I had to see the gyno today. Maybe this explains everything. Why is it that they always comment on your cervix? “Looks really good. Great in fact”. Well, fucking thanks lady. Can I get a picture to show my lover so he’ll be all impressed and shit? “Look dear, this is a picture of what you’re fucking. Nice, huh?” Ya, that’d go over well. And what do they say to the bad looking ones? “Looks really….well, not so good in here” I imagine the voice echoing through the walls of the girls inside like it a cave. Thanks for the commentary, but could you really just pull those damn metal things out of me now?

I guess I should be happy my girl is happy. It was when she looked over and asked me about the outcome with my estranged hubby that I started to cry. Not because she had just violated my insides or because I felt obligated to her. It was a weird since of vulnerability. I guess my thought process was, well you’ve seen my insides here’s the rest of it.

She tells me this depression will only last a couple of months and that I need to go get on meds immediately. Who me? Happy Mandy? Shit.

Then again, I guess something should be done to stabilize me. My favorite word right now is fuck, my favorite drink right now is 6 of anything, and my favorite clothes are my pjs. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks and I just related it to drinking. Last night I didn’t sleep and I didn’t drink, so even my sorry ass alcoholic excuses aren’t working. Beautiful. So much for schlepping off my problems on an addiction. Even that won’t work.

This just isn’t me. I’m ready to be done with my couple of months of sadness now.
Thanks and have a nice cervix.

by body item ;


Blogger Lunatic said...

I know exactly what you mean when you say " I can’t always entertain my friends with stupid stories and make them feel like we’re part of a rockstar posse." Because that exactly how it is with me. Usually I love it, like being the leader of a gang or something, but sometimes it's like, "why don't YOU go do something amusing or stupid and then tell ME about it." Impress me why don't cha.

What do I do? I'll go to some seedy bar I have never been to (it doesn't necessarily need to be seedy but it goes with the melancholy) by myself and pretend I am someone else, i.e: "taking a vacation from myself." It's not lying, it's role playing. Pretend you are an escort witing for a "John" or a female pimp pissed off about one of your ho's. Maybe you could borrow that guys hat from yesterday.

Drinking alone is ridiculously effective for self-reflection. Epiphinies are equal parts martini and meditation.

1:56 PM

Blogger DrinkJack said...

I do not know your situation, but if you are going through a loss, then realize you are not alone. This was key in helping me through some serious shit, even when I had absolutely no friends, except my ex-wife.

Every emotion and thought that you have is EXACTLY the same feeling that millions have gone through. Ever wonder why anyone who has gone through the same thing can completely relate. It is because they have seen it themselves. Everything is completely natural. Time will eventually help the pain but it will take time. Any lose is tough and that is what has happened. There are stages of course and if you are mindful of them, then the recognition of them will help.

Let your self feel the pain fully. Do not try to suppress it. Trust me. You have to let it out, process it, and move on. I did not eat well for two months. I could not be in public without tears welling in my eyes for a while. But you know what, I let myself feel the pain and was mindful of it. After a good crash, I would always take a deep breath and say "Yes, I am still alive." Just remember, it is all normal and you will survive. I promise. Don't be afraid to email me if you need an unbiased opinion.

5:30 PM

Blogger Anonymous said...

ok well ive been delaying the "one year post" from my dissolution but youve moved me to it.

next post is for you.

and stay buckled in. its not going away soon.

but its going away.

i promise.

5:39 PM

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

From "Ok I admit" to "nice cervix" I was utterly in love.

Don't take the drugs (well, recreational drugs, um... er... no comment, but Zoloft and shit...)!! If you run from your feelings, they'll catch up like a mack f'ing truck.

Dang, sorry your sad though. Does it help I was in love with you from "Ok I admit" to "nice cervix" and that I'm drinking a slightly cold beer right now and to celebrate AMANDA, I'm gonna drink 5 more and make it a SIXER!!

6:16 PM

Blogger Anonymous said...

Hey Flake,

I tried. I just can't write that post yet about my life since my breakup.

so the next one is not for you.

love your blog.


7:19 PM

Blogger rick said...

well, it's sunday and i just found out about your bad mood on friday... hopefully, your in a better mood... i mean, come on... it's monday tomorrow... who doesn't love monday?

7:25 PM

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

What?!?! I'm outraged. This blog is 3 days old and this is today!?!?!


2:21 PM

Blogger mamajo said...

I have felt and thought everything you wrote. Cliches are the worst possible advice at a time like this but, things will get better. I had a time when there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Just a train doing about 500mph headed straight for me. I had to learn to take care of me and what makes me happy and part of that was telling people what I wanted from them. Even if it was to fuck off. (btw-that is always my favorite word) I hope this helped, even if a little. And, why cant the gyno ever warm the fucking metal things up? I'd like to shove one up them and see how they like it. :) Hope things get better for you!

7:28 PM

Blogger Jennirhiow said...

i'm sitting here thinking... hey, i know u... u're me!! u know, u and i are really heart sisters. i know exactly how u feel. u're fucking sad. and so am i. i think we must be twins separated at birth and someone ran off with u to the states and someone ran off and dumped me in msia (my mom always said she picked me up from a dumpster). when i make my way to the US of A (gimme ur address, gurl), i'm gonna make a concentrated effort to go to where u are and we'll sit out on the porch singing slave songs! that's a promise.


10:40 PM

Blogger Dirty Dan Sin said...

I always try to compliment a lady's cervix.

You just own that sadness. It's yours, you earned it. I am so out of the loop on prescription solutions.

I'm raising tonight's first beer to you and the light that's hiding at tunnel's end. BTW, I too am preoccupied with giant 'mythological' birds...mine is called the Gi'Lak Monster.

1:34 PM

Blogger Hotpants said...

what is it about the tongs and the tears? come hand in hand?

you're allowed to be sad.

there are no steadfast solutions.

you know you are loved, lovely.

last time I got tong'ed I had a real good cry myself.

5:01 PM

Blogger mona said...

oh, you and your lovely cervix.

i'll hold your hand and send all my best thoughts in your direction, like snowflakes and you can catch 'em on your tongue.

2:19 PM

Blogger palochi said...

If it ever gets to the point you can't function or think about doing bad things to yourself, take the drugs. Don't put yourself through needless pain and suffering if there's a temporary way to "clear the air" in your head and put it all into some sort of perspective.

As one of my favorite bands, The Judybats, wrote: "Pain makes you beautiful." It's absolutely true. And I also believe the Nietzschian concept of "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" in the sense that you gain growth through the struggle. If Nietzche's writing was a neo-religion, I think I'd be going for the job of cardinal. Except for his later stuff, of course, when he went a little bit insane himself.

However, know that too much pain sometimes makes you want to throw yourself off a bridge. Don't let yourself go there.

I know what you're going through, for all it's worth.

8:58 AM


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