Who’s Bitter? Not me!

To all the stupid fuckface (thanks be to Jen) boys who think that I’m a flake, might I remind you that I am very tired of dealing with manipulative men.

Next time I hear, “Oh, but baby you know I love you” I will commence to gather every little bit of food I have ever eaten and regurgitate it on your face. If I am unable to do this, I will proceed to do a ritual peyote dance in my yard until the Thunderbird arrives and carries you off to its nest or eats you whole. Either one is fine.

Next time Boy X tells me that I am one of those hot and then cold kind of girls, I will remind him that his fucking split personality might have something to do with it. If I tell you that I can’t go to dinner because I am studying, don’t take it personally. Getting my CPA will last longer than dinner or sex with you ever would. Not to mention, you suck in bed. One look at a boy who shaves all of his pubic hair makes me want to lock all my doors and pray the police won’t come and get me. If you have to go through such ordeals just to make your boy look bigger, maybe you should consider that women don’t care how big it is. They just want you to be able to use it. Save the money you spend on clippers and buy a fucking “how to get a woman off” video. Trust me half of Austin would be happier, you man-whore.

Don’t worry Wedding ring; I have something for you too. The next time you call me three times in one night, I’m going to call your wife and ask how your son’s doing. Obviously you’re not watching him. What on earth makes a man think a single woman would want anything to do with someone married? Thanks all the same, but I can get laid pretty easily. I’m a girl, remember? I don’t need to play hide the shalomi with you only to be burdened with a hysterical wife who’s going to take all your money once she finds out what a piece of shit you are. Then what will I have? A cheater with no money. You think you’re worried about the value of your home now? Wait until she takes it all and you’re sleeping under the South Congress bridge, Daddy. You and your son can play slug bug from your sleeping bag.

And there’s something for the other boy who constantly loves to fuck with my mind. If I wanted you to come into my life and put me on an emotional roller coaster, I would have just gone down to SPCA and looked at all the puppies that are about to be put down. Your nice, your mean, you want me to cater to your every whim, you want me not to baby you…blah blah blah. You miss me, you don’t. You’re coming in town, your too busy, your staying over, your driving home. Oh good God, just make up your mind and stick with it. And the next time you lie to me and tell me you’re not hitting on a girl, will be the last time you see my pretty face. I checked it out with everyone I know and it has been decided that the following line is hitting on someone. “You’re really pretty. I bet you get hit on all the time at work”. (If anyone reading this disagrees, feel free to correct me) I’m not sure if you’re fucking her yet, or if you were just trying to piss me off, but either way it doesn’t get me wet. If you want me to like you, try being nice and stop playing games with me.

And to the other two boys who guilt me about not calling them back, I’m not calling you back because I don’t like you. What do you want me to do? Go out with you and spend all your money knowing that I’ll never want to be with you. I’m not sure if you guys are masochists are not, but save your money for some girl who doesn’t realize how desperate you are.

I’m done. And from the looks of this post, I’m about to be dateless for the next month. Oh, well. That works for my schedule.