I'm a bit drinky right now, please leave a message...

Last night found me drunker than drunk. The boys managed to wrangle me home safe and sound. As I walked into the bathroom, I suddenly lost my ability to walk. A little game of human pinball began as I slammed into the sink, then bounced off the cabinet, sprung over to the toilet, pushed myself back and landed in my laundry basket.

I must have struggled to get out of that situation, because this morning every towel and piece of laundry I own was strewn around the bathroom. At least I won the battle.

This morning I find myself thinking about sex. I think I must still be drunk. As I was driving into work I started laughing over a sexual mishap. I love when those little blurbs come out in the bedroom. You’re right in the middle of a great session, you roll over to climb on top, and as you do you stab the guy right in the eye with your fingernail. Ouch! Blinded the poor guy squirms for a minute, which delights you, until you realize he’s in pain. Then you start laughing and the hot little scene changes into something more juvenile. He asks if you’re going to proceed to punch him in the face when he comes.

But back to the fingernail problem, which assures me that I’m still liquored up. I was watching this porn recently and I couldn’t help but notice the cheap Lee press on nails the women were wearing. Evidentially this is what women focus on when watching porn. Those puppies can pop off with very little pressure. Which now has me wondering if you could truly blind someone with those things on. My little mishap would have lead to trip to the emergency room if I was wearing such garbage on my hands. Which takes me further wondering how many of those nails get loose during a taping of sexual frenzy. “Wait, we need to stop for a second Tom. You’ve got a fake nail stuck in your ass.”

I should probably not leave my work pod this afternoon.