Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Monday, December 13, 2004

Repeat after me

I remember looking up at him while he said his vows. We were standing in the tiny chapel where I came as a little girl to hear about something called God. When I was little I would sit in the red upholstered pew looking down at my little black paten shoes dangling free, and wondering when it would be time to sing again. Then I’d look over to my right and stare up at the tall stained glass windows shimmering with morning light. There was that familiar man with the beard looking down at me so sadly. ‘Why is he so sad?’ I would think and then my mind would be distracted by a loose fray on my skirt.

I was distracted that night as well. The chapel was full of friends and family, people I hardly knew and others who were closer than blood. The man speaking to us performed my baptism and my communion. I’ve known him my whole life, and at that moment he felt more like my father than my pastor. “Repeat after me…”

And I spoke, shaking. Waiting for the world to end. And then it was his turn. “Repeat after me…”

And he started to speak with tears in his eyes. My thoughts were racing. He’s not going to go through with this. He is going to leave me up here in front of these people, alone. But he didn’t. He made it through all of the words. We made it through the prayer. I thought I had a chance at that point to really make it work.

I walked into that modest little chapel a year ago for my grandmother’s funeral. My husband at my side, we stopped and looked at one another as we walked in the door. We stared at the alter and then back at one another feeling destroyed and helpless. Wondering what happened.

And so it ends tomorrow, but not where it began. Removed from the comfort of that secure small space where sad men look down at you, we’ll be pulled into a room of people waiting to get it over with. We’ll be a number waiting for our turn like Monday night shoppers at the deli counter. I don’t know how many people truly love each other go through this. I wish it was cut and dry to me. I wish I hated him, so that when they called my number I knew I was doing the right thing.

Once again, I’ll hear those words “Repeat after me…” I honestly don’t know how I will make it through tomorrow. I know he is the love of my life. I also know we can’t make it work. I forced destiny to bend to my whim and lost, but at least I tried.

by body item ;


Blogger Hotpants said...

my dearest dear heart snowflake.

you know that it's never a clean break. there's a reason you two held on, but sometimes it's just not enough no matter how much we want it to be.

you are brave and you will be okay.

much much much much love. (as much as a small person like me can carry)

12:21 PM

Blogger Monkey said...

I'm so sorry Amanda.

12:32 PM

Blogger MzOuiser said...

I'm so sorry this sad day has come for you. It is in my future as well, and I know I will feel just as awful.

Big girlfriend hugs and cappucino and chocolate truffles to you, and many soft kleenex, and our shoulders if you need them.

Most of all, may your future hold more love than you, right now, can imagine is possible.

1:18 PM

Blogger Dirty Dan Sin said...

Even I don't have anything smart-ass to say here. Be nice to yourself this week...and on from there. All we can do is try.

12:22 AM

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