Grab a Piece of This Fine White Meat

Man, o’ man. Where the hell have I been? Well, the exam went as the exam always does. By the end of it I felt like some fucking tax nerd had beaten me with a huge ruler, and I mean that in a horrible defeating way. It’s over for now and hopefully for good.

In other news, I was just thinking about women’s fragrances. Why is it that all women’s products have some edible quality to them? Manly smells don’t, so what does this mean?

Let’s take my normal smelly day. I wash my hair and put lavender cream in it. Not too edible, although I sometimes think my hair smells like strawberries. Does someone want a nibble of my hair? Next up, I always put orange blossom cream on my legs. Oranges….bite of the leg, ol' chap? Then there is the lotion on the rest of me and that’s something with a hint of vanilla. Why have a vanilla sorbet when you could chew on my elbow?

My hand lotion at work is green tea therapy. Why spend $100 bucks an hour on a shrink, when you could lick my hands and save yourself all that pain and suffering? Hell it might also aid you in saving yourself from purchasing that $5 Chia Tea Latte you grab at the coffee shop. I’ve checked around and men don’t smell like fruit and spices. Okay there is that crap called Old Spice, but nothing within 100 feet of that stuff is allowed near my mouth.

Do people just want to eat women up because we’re beautiful, or because we smell like grandma’s Christmas fruitcake? Is it because we’re sensual and loving, or because you somehow have an overwhelming desire to snack on cookies and a fruit plate?

I once tried to use a lubricant that was the exact same smell as vanilla cake. It sounded like all fun and games, but I swear we both gained 4 pounds after that excursion. Plus the whole time I was in bed smelling like the desert counter of La Madeline, I had craving for a glass of milk. Hardly sexy. Maybe that lube was made for a 400-pound fat man that couldn’t stop eating long enough to get it up with a woman. Regardless, it wasn’t for me. I felt like my nephews were going to pop out of my closet and ask me for a slice of some delectable dessert, only to see me doing something nasty to someone they don’t know. You see! This stuff is dangerous in so many ways.

I hate to say that it must have something to do with men, but I can’t help but feel that way. Does it go back to the old saying about the way to man’s heart is through his stomach? I wonder. I guess I’ll try rubbing meat tenderizer all over me the next time and let you all know if it’s true. Nothing like a nice piece of flank steak rub on my ass to make a man melt. Plus who knows, if it can soften up a pork chop it might do wonders on my arse.