Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Grab a Piece of This Fine White Meat

Man, o’ man. Where the hell have I been? Well, the exam went as the exam always does. By the end of it I felt like some fucking tax nerd had beaten me with a huge ruler, and I mean that in a horrible defeating way. It’s over for now and hopefully for good.

In other news, I was just thinking about women’s fragrances. Why is it that all women’s products have some edible quality to them? Manly smells don’t, so what does this mean?

Let’s take my normal smelly day. I wash my hair and put lavender cream in it. Not too edible, although I sometimes think my hair smells like strawberries. Does someone want a nibble of my hair? Next up, I always put orange blossom cream on my legs. Oranges….bite of the leg, ol' chap? Then there is the lotion on the rest of me and that’s something with a hint of vanilla. Why have a vanilla sorbet when you could chew on my elbow?

My hand lotion at work is green tea therapy. Why spend $100 bucks an hour on a shrink, when you could lick my hands and save yourself all that pain and suffering? Hell it might also aid you in saving yourself from purchasing that $5 Chia Tea Latte you grab at the coffee shop. I’ve checked around and men don’t smell like fruit and spices. Okay there is that crap called Old Spice, but nothing within 100 feet of that stuff is allowed near my mouth.

Do people just want to eat women up because we’re beautiful, or because we smell like grandma’s Christmas fruitcake? Is it because we’re sensual and loving, or because you somehow have an overwhelming desire to snack on cookies and a fruit plate?

I once tried to use a lubricant that was the exact same smell as vanilla cake. It sounded like all fun and games, but I swear we both gained 4 pounds after that excursion. Plus the whole time I was in bed smelling like the desert counter of La Madeline, I had craving for a glass of milk. Hardly sexy. Maybe that lube was made for a 400-pound fat man that couldn’t stop eating long enough to get it up with a woman. Regardless, it wasn’t for me. I felt like my nephews were going to pop out of my closet and ask me for a slice of some delectable dessert, only to see me doing something nasty to someone they don’t know. You see! This stuff is dangerous in so many ways.

I hate to say that it must have something to do with men, but I can’t help but feel that way. Does it go back to the old saying about the way to man’s heart is through his stomach? I wonder. I guess I’ll try rubbing meat tenderizer all over me the next time and let you all know if it’s true. Nothing like a nice piece of flank steak rub on my ass to make a man melt. Plus who knows, if it can soften up a pork chop it might do wonders on my arse.

by body item ;

9 Comments:

Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

Ah... so the truth is finally out... your a hard ass.

I knew it!

And now I'm both hungry and horny. Wait, I was both of those before reading your blog. But now I have this craving for a whole vanilla, strawberry, whipcream, orange, chocolate, meat tenderizely woman float.

Too bad ya'll don't come prepackaged at the grocery story.

Aisle 5:

Salad Dressings
Soup
Women

3:29 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aren't you silly today... i like this side of you... the i'm an apple careful i bruise side of you... i don't know what that means either, i just made it up...

glad to hear that your stress level is lifting... or lowering... err... you know what i mean...

rick

4:00 PM

 
Blogger DrinkJack said...

Beauty, it is always about beauty on so many levels. Edible smells is just an added bonus :) Congrats on the exam.

4:22 PM

 
Blogger Lunatic said...

Girls smell pretty

5:58 PM

 
Blogger Dirty Dan Sin said...

Thanks for reminding me to find out what that lotion was that smelled like cake. Legs that smell like orange...mmmm.

12:53 PM

 
Blogger Zachariah said...

hmmmm meat tenderizer, hmmmmmm, allegro, I crave allegro

12:54 PM

 
Blogger Nan said...

I know exactly what you mean about all the fruity fragrances. Mine range from orange to honeydew to lime and raspberry and cantaloup.

1:55 PM

 
Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

yeah, so i went to the grocery and i checked aisle 5 for the ladies but none of them were prepackaged...

i did ask this one chick with a stud in her nose who smelled of grease and elderberries if she was on sale and she said yes and we humped on the banana table...

was kind of squishy but i was never very picky any old way...

6:45 PM

 
Blogger Jennirhiow said...

dearie, i can't help chuckling over the fruits and cream and tenderiser... i hope ur spirits are better!

6:52 AM

 

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