Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Change this

Hooray! Therapy today! Insert smartass face. It’s like medicine seeing that woman some days. Inevitably it will come down to the same tired question, “So what do you want to change about yourself today?” All this as she blindly looks over at me, and her dog sighs.

Let’s see – things I would like to change about myself. Well, I am a little neurotic. I would like to change that. It would be nice not to compare myself to other people and then beat myself up for it. Take this morning for instance, I am reading a sex blog and the whole time I am thinking “I’m just as big of a perv as this guy”. The next thought I have is, “Great I’ll probably end up like one of those sex addicts who can’t function in normal society. The kind who jacks off in the public restroom and at city parks while watching other people.” Neurotic. Just because you can imagine yourself going off the deep-end, doesn’t actually mean you’re going to do – does it?

What else. I would like to not be in this situation with the hubby. When I tried to get out a couple of weeks ago, I was told to wait. Thanks. Yes, the brain injury. I should change that. Lately I have been thinking the problem is that I haven’t learned to accept his flaws. I could learn to love his obsessive-compulsive disorder. I could embrace it and make it one of the things I love about him. Oh, and the martyr complex. I could learn to love that – couldn’t I?

I would like to stop thinking this is all my fault. If I tried harder, learned to love more, sought grace and forgiveness instead of being judgmental, then maybe this would work. Maybe then I wouldn’t loose my friend. Maybe then I could have the sex life I want on my terms, and out in the open. Not the park and public restrooms, but you know what I mean. Ok, maybe in the park.

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