Drifting thoughts of a snowflake

Friday, February 25, 2005

My Super Power Wish List

I have a couple of super powers that I would like to incorporate into my work identity. I’m not sure where I can obtain or learn these powers, but I will obtain them one-way or another.

First off, I would like the power to defecate on my own command. Think how great that would be. I’m not much for public restrooms, and I do prefer the setting of my own porcelain, but I could compromise for this special power. Think of all the people you could offend? Yesterday I walked into the women’s restroom and found a couple of women holding a gossip session. Maybe it’s me, but can’t you do that in your work pod or the break room? “Did you hear what that woman said?” blah blah blah….I wish I could poop on command and unleash a holy terror of a smell so foul that every known creature would leave me in peace when I run to the lady’s room. I don’t want to hear about Shannon’s bad dye job or how so and so’s boss is diddeling the help. I just want to take a piss without having to contemplate integrity and moral issues.

Secondly I need the power to burn people’s eyes out. I would reserve this treat for all the men I work with who think it’s not obvious they are staring at my chest. What’s that Mr. President? My tits can hear you just fine, but my ears are having a little trouble. I would love to be able to say to them, “Look into my eyes” in a despicable villainous voice and then radiate their eyes out of their skulls. I’ll basically be saving the entire woman workforce from having to deal with men like this. I’ll be the poster girl for office torture. I love it!

My third and final wish is simple. I would like the power to seize other’s vocal cords, and by seize I mean have control over their voice boxes. You know that dumb yahoo in your office that always stops by and makes pointless conversation with you? Well, not any more! I would simply turn his voice completely off. Maybe I could control this by a wink. “Hey, what’s up?” he’d ask all perky. I’d just give a little wink and render him mute. This would also work well with the people in my meetings who think they know more than other people. “I think what’s she’s trying to say, Bob is that …..”. One little wink and I could make their voice replicate Shirley Temple’s irritatingly high-pitched squeak. They would immediately shut up and we could be laughing at them, thus bringing entertainment to my boring work life. I could save myself, and my fellow coworkers, hours of endless chatter from insipidly stupid people. I’m telling you, I should rule the world.

What would you like for your super power?

by body item ;

11 Comments:

Blogger Wayne said...

I would like to have the power to make Colin Farrell my personal slave boy.

12:45 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to be able to sober-up on command but then be able to go back to being fucked up again when I want to be. I'd call myself hammered-man. Cause dude, I'd be bascially hammered, man. righteuos[sic].

12:51 PM

 
Blogger DrinkJack said...

I would like to have screen melting powers. Where I could think a melting thought and someone's computer screen would just start to melt in front of them. Not physically melt, but more of a lovely virus sort of way.

6:05 PM

 
Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

I would like to be able to sing so beautifully, tone and words, that no one could stop the tears from flowing, and they'd never forget what I said, and they'd change their lives for the better and the world would be a happier place and certain substances would be legalized and thoroughly enjoyed and all because I could SANG!

8:45 AM

 
Blogger Dirty Dan Sin said...

I need to be able to astrally project myself a little bit better. Like so where I can drink with peeps when I arrive, rather than just wandering around semi-opaque in their dreams. Cuz I just checked, and Texas is hella far, man!

12:15 PM

 
Blogger Semirrahge said...

I would like to be a ultra-powerful sorceror. HECK yeah. *play heavy metal riff* I could levitate through stores, shoot lightning bolts and fireballs from my fingertips, and even raise a zombie horde to do my bidding.

Then I'd go live in a creepy castle all by myself and defeat every little monkey of a hero who thought he could defeat my awesome powers. Yup.

5:54 PM

 
Blogger Jennirhiow said...

I want a few super powers:-

1. Read people's minds at will
2. Wall thru walls
3. Become invisible at will
4. Teleport at will
5. Make evil people's lives a misery
6. Sober up on command

...did I forget to say make bad people's lives hell?

I think that's all for now.

6:53 PM

 
Blogger Yankee said...

I would like to have the power to make Snowflake my personal slave girl.

11:34 AM

 
Blogger Lunatic said...

I want the power to make women have tiny little orgasms whenever I want. Even outside of the sexual arena.

"Hi, I'm Lunatic. Nice to meet you."

(Shakes hand)"Hello, I'm Snowflake niiicccee tooo oh..oh, my."

4:19 PM

 
Blogger mona said...

i would like to meet lunatic after he procurs said superpowers.

flying? nope. invisible? nah. mind reading? fuck no, i'd hate to know what people were actually thinking.

there is this one thing i do that has been referred to as a 'special talent' that i'd like to elevate to 'super power' status...

11:15 AM

 
Blogger That Girl said...

Lunatic~ when you learn to do that, I'll meet you at Jazzfest!

8:27 PM

 

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