My Super Power Wish List

I have a couple of super powers that I would like to incorporate into my work identity. I’m not sure where I can obtain or learn these powers, but I will obtain them one-way or another.

First off, I would like the power to defecate on my own command. Think how great that would be. I’m not much for public restrooms, and I do prefer the setting of my own porcelain, but I could compromise for this special power. Think of all the people you could offend? Yesterday I walked into the women’s restroom and found a couple of women holding a gossip session. Maybe it’s me, but can’t you do that in your work pod or the break room? “Did you hear what that woman said?” blah blah blah….I wish I could poop on command and unleash a holy terror of a smell so foul that every known creature would leave me in peace when I run to the lady’s room. I don’t want to hear about Shannon’s bad dye job or how so and so’s boss is diddeling the help. I just want to take a piss without having to contemplate integrity and moral issues.

Secondly I need the power to burn people’s eyes out. I would reserve this treat for all the men I work with who think it’s not obvious they are staring at my chest. What’s that Mr. President? My tits can hear you just fine, but my ears are having a little trouble. I would love to be able to say to them, “Look into my eyes” in a despicable villainous voice and then radiate their eyes out of their skulls. I’ll basically be saving the entire woman workforce from having to deal with men like this. I’ll be the poster girl for office torture. I love it!

My third and final wish is simple. I would like the power to seize other’s vocal cords, and by seize I mean have control over their voice boxes. You know that dumb yahoo in your office that always stops by and makes pointless conversation with you? Well, not any more! I would simply turn his voice completely off. Maybe I could control this by a wink. “Hey, what’s up?” he’d ask all perky. I’d just give a little wink and render him mute. This would also work well with the people in my meetings who think they know more than other people. “I think what’s she’s trying to say, Bob is that …..”. One little wink and I could make their voice replicate Shirley Temple’s irritatingly high-pitched squeak. They would immediately shut up and we could be laughing at them, thus bringing entertainment to my boring work life. I could save myself, and my fellow coworkers, hours of endless chatter from insipidly stupid people. I’m telling you, I should rule the world.

What would you like for your super power?