Now is the time to stalk

It’s been decided. I command you to all become stalkers. What? You’re scared of little restraining order? Oh, you’re afraid they might think you’re psycho or question your mental stability? Well I have news for you buddy, if you don’t take up some sort of peeping routine you could end up with a total lunatic (and not a good lunatic like our fellow blogger). Don’t believe me? Well check this shit out.

Last night the Playa MC and I went to have burger over at Casino’s. Once we were satisfactorily full and a little tipsy, we headed down to one our favorite bars for a little nightcap before we staggered home. When we walked in, I noticed a boy around town whom I’ve always thought was attractive. Granted I’ve never spoken to him, and I have never planned on speaking to him, but he’s one of those people I keep an eye on.

He was sitting up at the bar playing a round of poker with some friends. The Playa MC and I sat down and starting gibbering about witches and warlocks. After a while, I looked over and noticed a girl sitting next to him. I didn’t give it much thought and I really don’t care if he is dating anyone. This is the type of boy that I don’t want to date. I just like to look at him and right now that’s more than enough for me.

At some point I looked up and the girl beside him was leaving. She removed a jacket off the back of his chair, and the Playa MC and I instantly looked at one another. Surely, surely she’s not with him. We quickly looked back to see him kiss her goodbye. I shrieked like a gay boy who finds a free supply of Cher memoirs. Now look, I’m not one that easily understands why straight guys choose certain women over others. I can tell a hot girl and pick her out for any of my friends with out much trouble. But this, this caught me with my pants down.

First off, lets just say she’s not easy on the eyes. I would compare her facial structure to some type of bird or other offensive flying creature. But lets be honest. More goes into a relationship than looks, so I can over look that. It was her hair that I couldn’t over look. When was the last time you saw a beautiful girl with a rat-tail haircut? Much less, a rat- tail on woman! Don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s like this or this, but on a girl.


In the year 2005, why would a woman have this? Does she live down by the river? Is she a river rat? Could it be that man sticks his Willie into that girl? I shrieked again and my eyes were bulging.

When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he stood up. Dirty hair (I can live with that on the right man with the right hair), country shirt (again, some men can work it), jeans and WHITE TENNIS SHOES! SHRIEK!!!!!!!

Men, if you don’t know this I beg you to learn it here. Don’t ever – EVER – wear white sneakers unless they are some form of cool that one rarely sees. Your white workout shoes with jeans, you know the ones that you’ve had since 8th grade and are all beaten up, are ugly. It screams, “I have no idea how to dress myself and I live with my Mom”. Now I realize some of you out there are going to tell me that you can pull this look off, but I suggest you consult an honest female to confirm this for you. I’ve seen it work once or twice, but usually it comes off with me feeling like I’m back in the 80’s with all that shitty music and bad hair. Hey, wait! Maybe these two are meant for each other! Bad shoes = bad looking and bad hair to boot girlfriend.

So I hope this little post has taught you the importance of stalking. Just say that I had missed these jewels of information, then what? Maybe one day I would have kissed a man who use to put his tongue inside a bird’s mouth. Maybe I would have caught the dreaded river rat disease, or even worse I would have been forced to be seen in public with an 80’s white shoe-wearing freak. All of this was avoided thanks for careful and strategic peeping. Please feel free to send me all the thank you letters you want. I know this is the best advice I’ve given. I am going to start stalking my potential lovers tonight. If you need me, I’ll be the girl in all black sitting in the dark corner of the club with binoculars.